It’s All About to Get Ugly
By Angelique | January 10, 2010
How many times does a dog have to bite you before you put it down or give it away?!?!?!?!?!?!
Topics: Deep Inside, Relationship Hell | No Comments »
Still Here!
By Angelique | October 26, 2009
I’m still here. I haven’t abandoned the blog! I have a new therapist now that Rose is getting ready to sail around the world. And the new therapist sees right through my BS and boy is she making me do the work! I haven’t thought of an appropriate nickname for her just yet, but after this week’s session on Thursday I will have settled on one!
Topics: Uncategorized | No Comments »
Totally Freaked Out
By Angelique | October 5, 2009
Last night I tried Ambien for the first time. I’ve been taking Lunesta but the darn stuff costs me $50 for a months supply, so I asked to be put on something cheaper. So Ambien (or rather it’s generic) was the choice.
I took it at 11:15 pm. I don’t remember ANYTHING beyond 11:45. My last coherent thought was when I went to stand up and I swayed. I immediately sat back down in my chair to let it pass. Well, evidently I went to Borders.com and ordered a book! Not only did I order the book, but I put in the special code for 20% off, put in the code for free shipping AND also put in for my Borders Bucks. Didn’t realize any of this until this afternoon when I checked my personal mail from work and noticed there was an email thanking me for my order!
Next, apparently, I wrote a very blunt and honest email to Sean. From what he explains to me, we chatted via IM about his son being ill, the contents of the email, my “saddness” about being single and when we were going to be able to see each other again. I guess his response that he is trying to be a guest speaker at a venue close to me next spring wasn’t soon enough so I invited myself along on his travel trip to San Diego next month. Can we say “HOLY SHIT.”
I wish this was like the story of the drunk girl who can’t remember the one night stand — or at least that’s what she TELLS everyone — while remembering all the horrible little details. But I have a black spot that is a total void. I have no clue what time I actually got into my bed. Even talking to him about the IM conversation didn’t spark any memory. This drug is POTENT! If I try it again I am going to immediately go to bed and pray that I don’t do anything else mortifying or embarrassing. 
Topics: Deep Inside | 2 Comments »
Let Go…
By Angelique | September 28, 2009
Rose gave this to me today in our session. She wants me to meditate on it piece by piece. This really spoke to me and maybe someone else would like to use it to contemplate on.
Let Go…
To “let go” does not mean to stop caring
it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To “let go” is not to cut myself off,
It’s the realization I can’t control another.
To “let go” is to admit powerlessness
Which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To “let go” is not to try to change or blame another,
It’s to make the most of myself.
To “let go” is not to care for,
But to care about.
To “let go” is not to fix
But to be supportive.
To “let go” is not to judge,
But to allow another to be a human being.
To “let go” is not to be protective,
It’s to permit another to face reality.
To “let go” is not to deny,
But to accept.
To “let go” is not to nag, scold, or argue
But instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To “let go” is not to adjust everything to my desires
But to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it
To “let go” is not to criticize and regulate anybody
But to try to become what I dream I can be.
To “let go” is not to regret the past,
But to grow and live for the future.
To “let go” is to fear less, and love more.
Anonymous
Topics: Deep Inside | 1 Comment »
Another Week
By Angelique | September 24, 2009
Music is something I really enjoy. Like most people, it can elevate or depress my mood quite easily. I have a new song on my playlist — ok not new as in NEW, but new to my playlist. 
I can play it over and over again. The lyrics really speak to me. I would have loved to embed the video, but that wasn’t possible as YouTube has taken down all the embedding links for the vid. It’s Avril Lavigne’s Nobody’s Home.
“Nobody’s Home”
I couldn’t tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn’t help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.What’s wrong, what’s wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don’t know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody’s home.
It’s where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.
You’ve been rejected, and now you can’t find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don’t know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody’s home.
It’s where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can’t find.
She’s losing her mind.
She’s fallen behind.
She can’t find her place.
She’s losing her faith.
She’s fallen from grace.
She’s all over the place.
Yeah,ohShe wants to go home, but nobody’s home.
It’s where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.She’s lost inside, lost inside…oh oh yeah
She’s lost inside, lost inside…oh oh yeah
Topics: Deep Inside | 2 Comments »
Blogging
By Angelique | September 18, 2009
I realized today that I have been blogging in some form or another since 2003. Six years. Wow. Some blogs were very public. One of my original book blogs is still around and I still post there. Fluff didn’t make it, but we sure had fun while it was going! And my other secret blogs I’ve ditched and re-booted because I have ended up making a careless mistake that would lead back to the “real” me. Sometime not the sharpest knife! But this blog, by far, is the most real and open I have ever been on the internet. Some people won’t like the material, some people will be downright pissed and judgmental, some will read it and just be glad it isn’t them writing this stuff. But if just one person reads it and it helps to put what they are feeling into perspective then it will be a warm fuzzy for me. And if no one ever reads it, well that’s fine too!
But I am darn proud that I have been out and about on the web for 6 years.
Topics: Everyday Ordinary | No Comments »
First Day on the Couch
By Angelique | September 14, 2009
So I started therapy today. Or “counseling.” Or “life coaching.” Or…. Well, you get my drift. A rose by any other name…
I was a little apprehensive. A little scared. A whole lot skeptical. But I know that what I have going on isn’t going to be solved by me alone. If I could, I would have nipped this in the bud 2 years ago.
“Rose” made me feel comfortable right off the bat. She had some wonderfully relaxing music playing, a comfy couch (which I SAT on…) and some interesting little nick-knacks spread around. We touched base on a few things — My job, Sean, hobbies, past relationships — but we really spent some time talking about June and Ward. June’s illness is something that I am not dealing well with at all. If there is anything that started this whirligig of fun, it’s definitely been having to watch her deteriorate and be in pain.
Rose wants me to journal. But this is as close as I can come to a journal. Here where no one knows me. Will never know me, even if I died tomorrow. It would just fade away into cyber-junk. A journal written on paper is something I just can’t do. I don’t want my family or friends reading about my darkest places.
All in all it was a good start. I go back next week and I bring along a little homework assignment.
Topics: Deep Inside | 2 Comments »
Horror-scope weekend of Sept 5th
By Angelique | September 5, 2009
Change can be stressful, and that applies to changes for the better, too. It means leaving behind what was familiar and embarking on a new way of life. And you definitely have some changes (for the better) heading your way. So how can you minimize the stress and maximize the positive? You can acknowledge that things might be crazy for a little while. And that things will settle down soon. And, yes, that things are most definitely going to be different around here.
Change is a-comin’!!! TG
Topics: Horror-scopes! | No Comments »
Detachment
By Angelique | September 4, 2009
It’s really hard to detach yourself from people and situations that you have been attached to for years. Slowly but surely I have been creating boundaries with family and friends. Some understand and are very supportive. Others don’t and are mistaking my need to step back as rejection. Which I understand too well. It’s how I felt in the past when people created boundaries with me.
I’ve been wondering how to best create boundaries with some. They are family. And they aren’t going anywhere, anytime soon. But I think I found a good summation of what I am feeling while surfing through the web, looking at more information on emotional detachment.
Detaching is a vital skill to practice on someone you are unable or unwilling to completely shut out of your life. You can even still love that person if you want to, even though you have detached. Your goal is to recognize the relationships that are not good for you, and make them a smaller part of your life. You can still care about unhealthy people, if you choose. But at the same time, you can prevent them from running (or ruining) your life.
So, slowly I am making Sean a smaller part of my life. And Drea a smaller part of my life. Now I just need to learn how to deal appropriately with the chaos my sister and parents bring into my world. That’s not going to be easy.
Topics: Deep Inside | No Comments »
Horror-scope for Aug 23
By Angelique | August 23, 2009
I always enjoy reading my horoscope. I’m a Capricorn — a damn stubborn one at that. I really liked today’s advice. I think I’m going to mull on that and think of something I want to put into action starting this evening. Is there a dream you’ve wanted to start but held back on? Regardless of what astrological sign you are, I say we all go for it!
Put aside those loose ends for now and concentrate on initiating something that’s near and dear to your heart. It’s a fantastic time to lay the foundations for a project that needs lots of time and TLC. So start drawing up plans, brainstorming and building those castles in the air. Make sure to give yourself plenty of freedom. Think of the sky not as being the limit, but more like a … guideline.
Topics: Horror-scopes! | No Comments »