It’s All About Control…
By Angelique | August 20, 2009
For each of us, there comes a time to let go. You will know when that time has come. When you have done all that you can do, it is time to detach. Deal with your feelings. Face your fears about losing control. Gain control of yourself and your responsibilities. Free others to be who they are. In doing so, you will set yourself free. — Melody Beattie
Trying to control everything and everyone around you is not only impossible but it’s an incredible waste of energy. I’ve thought about how I have been in the last year. I’m not going past a year because I am not going to flog myself for every single thing I have done wrong in my life — the list would never end! But I can look back on the last year. The people I have tried to control, the situations — and it’s appalling. And the real crapper of it all? It didn’t change a thing! I believe almost everything had the same outcome that would have happened anyway! Learning to detach is going to be difficult. It’s going to take an incredible amount of self-awareness. It’s going to take time, effort and probably some sweat and tears! I’m going to have to be very aware of my innate need to please people. My innate need to not have conflict. I need to become an active listener again. And I need to reach out to the people who really mean something in my life and try to make amends for my boorish behavior.
I’ve started and believe me, thinking before you speak is actually pretty hard! I’m getting really good at mentally counting to 10!
Topics: Deep Inside | No Comments »
Codependent
By Angelique | August 17, 2009
For about 18 months now I have been feeling pretty wretched. Sad, mad, unloved, crazy at times, tired, overwhelmed, sick, worried, crazy, anxious, panicky, scared, lonely and did I mention crazy? It has been difficult to point at any one thing in my life and say “AH HA! That’s what’s wrong!”
I have a loving family, a good job, several awesome friends, an awesome boss and a circle of people I could become closer to, if I allowed myself. But the anxiety has become overwhelming. I eat for comfort. I want to sleep all the darn time. Vague thoughts of, “you know, if I didn’t wake up tomorrow it’s be no big deal” circle at times.
I know now that this isn’t something I can solve on my own. It’s beyond me and let me tell you, that’s the hardest thing for me to admit. I am the quintessential control freak. Admitting I can’t fix myself is extremely hard. I picked up a book, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
Topics: Deep Inside | 2 Comments »
Healing
By Angelique | August 1, 2009
It’s time for me to start healing myself but I’m a little flummoxed. Where do I start? How do I start? What will work? What won’t? Before the affair I was a very black&white sort of person. I never, in a million, zillion, years would have thought I would become involved with someone who was married. I was cheated on when I was engaged and I vowed that I would never hurt someone that way. Not ever. Well, I have definitely learned never to say never. And I’m not saying it was right. That’s not it at all. But there are a lot of steps, a lot of actions, between point A and point B.
Now I need to figure out what steps to follow for myself. I’m not much of a “joiner” so I don’t know if online or even in person group therapy would help. I’m wading through a lot of guilt and shame at the present time, which clouds things up even further. It’s been over 9 years since I have felt this type of “take your breath away pain.” I just want to work through it, resolve it and come out healthier for it.
Topics: Relationship Hell | No Comments »
Alice in Wonderland
By Angelique | July 31, 2009
Have you seen the trailer for Disney’s Alice in Wonderland yet? If not CLICK HERE (I would have imbed the file if I could have!). I’m not always a fan of Tim Burton but this looks like it will be a delicious film!
I think I will need to pull out my worn out, spine creased paperback by Carroll and re-read before the release. And since it won’t be out ’til 2010, I think I have enough time!
Johnny Depp still looks a might creepy here, but not as creepy as he did in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I haven’t been able to talk myself into seeing that version! 
Topics: Books/Movies/TV | 1 Comment »
Wisdom
By Angelique | July 19, 2009
We ignore who adore us…
Adore who ignore us…
Love who hurt us…
And hurt who loves us…
Never ignore the person who loves you…
Cares for you…
And misses you…
One day you may wake up and realize that…
You’ve lost the moon, while you were busy counting blinking stars.
Topics: Relationship Hell | No Comments »
Walking Away
By Angelique | July 10, 2009
I feel ten kinds of stupid. How do you walk away from a relationship? Even one you know is bad for you? Intellectually I know I need to get the hell out. Walk, shoot I should RUN. But I’m having the hardest time cutting the cord.
I have been in a relationship with a married guy for the past year and a half. He doesn’t live near me. We’ve only met three times. I knew from the beginning that Sean wasn’t going to leave his wife. I was ok with that. He has two adorable kids. They look “perfect” from the outside. I just wanted the emotional closeness, the emotional intimacy. Hell I even encouraged him to go to therapy to start working on his marriage if he was going to stay in it.
Now we are at the “let’s just be friends” stage. And I don’t know that I can make the transition. Or even want to. But he’s also my best friend. I don’t want to lose that. My heart and my brain are at war. I know what I need to do. I know what I would tell a friend of mine if she were me. I just don’t think I have the strength to walk away. Even contemplating it makes me feel hollow and filled with pain. Right now I really hate myself.
Topics: Relationship Hell | 2 Comments »
Getting It Back Together
By Angelique | July 5, 2009
I’m one of those people that when their surroundings are in chaos, their mind is too. And I have been living in chaos for quite a few months now. I had Papa paint my new office and my new “library.” The library is alllll set up and ready to go and it is this gorgeous rose color with burnished gold accents. I have black bookcases that line the room. All I need is a fireplace! lolol and a large cozy chair…neither of which will fit in the 10×10 room!
The office is now this beautiful greenish/blue. Kinda the color you find at the Outer Banks. And all my trim is white and my filing cabinets are white. But I am struggling with a curtain color! I have black dogs, so white curtains are out of the running. I did put together this great glass and silver corner desk unit (see the picture — and you can see the wall color too!) so I thought about possibly going with gray accents.
Anywho, the point is that allllll my crap has been shoved into other rooms besides my office! So clutter is abound and I can’t think straight! I went to charge my camera today and couldn’t find the charger. I really hate to be disorganized. 
But I just have no clue at this point where it is. The “cleaning up” is so daunting that I feel deflated before I even really get started. I make myself do some stuff here and there, but it feels like I am spinning my wheels. Where’s the De-Clutter Fairy when you need her? I’m guessing that she is hanging out with the Bill Paying Fairy and the Laundry Fairy……
Topics: Everyday Ordinary | No Comments »
Invisible
By Angelique | June 17, 2009
Ever have those days where you just feel invisible? Where people are either looking right through you or talking right over your head? That feeling really bothers me and today was one of those days.
Topics: Everyday Ordinary | No Comments »
Bitten
By Angelique | June 14, 2009
Cratchit bit me. On the thigh. And it hurts like a mother.
I tried to explain to her that good dogs don’t bite their owners — and live to tell the tale. She gets so angry and focused when someone knocks on my door! Then she usually redirects the anger at Pie. But my thigh happened to be in the way and wammo! two small puncture wounds. One of these days, Cratchit!!!
Topics: Everyday Ordinary | No Comments »
Oooh I Love a Rainy Night
By Angelique | June 13, 2009
It’s raining. Again. *sighs* My yard is going to grow 5 inches by morning and it won’t even look like I mowed! I wish the yard fairy would come along and take out alllll my “grass,” level it out and sod it. I hate the weeds that are growing in it and our soil is sooooo full of shale that hardly any real grass will grow. I really should just let my dogs pee in it and let it DIE.
Topics: Everyday Ordinary | No Comments »